JP.

I haven’t written for personal reasons in a while and I miss it. I think it’s important to try to encapsulate what you are feeling every once in a while so that one day if you are having trouble remembering what it feels like to be really happy you will have a reference point.

I was lost for a long time and I was sort of just going through the motions because I didn’t have the motivation to even care about where my life was going. But one day I took a chance and stepped out of my box. It was magnetic so I couldn’t even help it. Speaking to him was the best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve never been one to need anyone else but it is so nice having someone to spend my days and nights with. Someone to hold my hand when I am scared during Evil Dead. Someone to rub my back when I feel sick. Someone to scratch my arms (just the way I like it). Someone to make me pasta in bed when I am being a lazy little lady. Someone to put me in my place when I am being a complete and total butt head. Someone that I can cry on when I get overwhelmed. Someone who I can make funny voices with while we wrestle in my sheets.

He makes me wake up everyday and want to be a better version of myself. I want to explore the globe with him. I want to listen to music and watch movies and see art and take everything in with him. It is so rare to feel such an exorbitant amount of love for another human, especially unconditional love. The moment that you put your well-being on the back burner because all that matters in the world is that they are feeling okay is the moment that you know you have something special. I just want to see his face every single day because he is the only one that really cares at all. We are each others priority. I just want to take care of him everyday because he is the most extraordinary creature that I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. How can someone be so handsome and hilarious and inquisitive and insightful and romantic and brilliant?  And how could they possibly want to be with me? I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.

I just want to remember how happy I am feeling in this moment because I know how fleeting happiness can be. I want to remember how my heart feels like it is literally going to explode out of my chest because it cannot contain all of the feelings I feel for this human. I want to remember how my brain wanders into vivid daydreams of what could be. I want to remember how my skin gets goosebumps if I think about all of this too much. I want to remember how much hope I feel for my future and how much I believe in myself in this moment.

Always remember.

Out with the old.

As 2012 comes to a close, I find myself reflecting on what a weird year this has been for me. I’ve done a whole lot of self exploration and growing this year. I learned the importance of being okay with being alone. I learned the meaning of ‘true friends’. I learned that everything gets better with time. I keep telling everyone that this year flew by, but in reality it was long and hard, but rewarding for me. I cut ties with a lot of people at the start of the year which was hard at the time, I finished up at HCC, got my AA, finally started at USF, and met so many great people along the way.

It’s crazy to think about what can happen in a year. It’s crazy how that it wasn’t until I stopping being depressed that nothing was going my way that everything finally fell into place. I rekindled some of my old friendships and made new ones as well. There are so many people who really helped me get through this year, they know who they are. I really couldn’t have done it without them.

I’m so happy to finally be at USF. This past semester really changed my life. It led me to meeting Jake, which was really the turning point of my whole year. Meeting him made every hard day I’ve had to go through this year so worth it. Meeting him made everything make sense. I learned a lot about myself during my time alone which really helps me to be a better person for him.

So I guess at the end of the day (or year), 2012 wasn’t a waste of time after all. It’s made me stronger. It has taught me how to appreciate when things are going well, and how to cope when nothing seems to be going right at all. All that matters is that the past is the past, and the future is shining so brightly. I am so happy to be alive. 2013 is going to be quite lovely.